Photo by Ylanite Koppens from Pexels

Unknowingly this used to be a motto of my life till I Dhruv, my son became 7–8 year old. I suddenly became too fearful and scared to take chances.

I was okay with Dhruv taking life easy, Debasish ( my other half) wanting to take any steps which weren’t so conventional. I had faith everything will be alright because I trusted them with all my heart.

I kept looking for foolproof chances to take hence never took any I kept playing and replaying the plan of action to make it completely perfect without any chance to fail. What will it take to make it happen and how will it materialize. I couldn’t get out of that loop and get into action. All the action that was happening was in my head.

It took me a long time to realize that I trust people around me for their capabilities and strengths. And how I had no faith, no trust on my own capabilities. So I made myself belief I had no ambition and I was just one person with no great talents. Whereas deep in my heart I had burning desires to be successful. I am and have always been a very ambitious person with many ideas wanting to explore themselves through me.

However I again downplayed and convinced myself that these ideas were too big for my shoes.

I had big dreams yet no plans to bring them into reality.

Being perfectionist has been my biggest strength at the same it is that one thing which hasn’t allowed me to grow further in my own career. I tried to perfect the perfect me. I forgot how Universe has a beautiful way to experience through me, express through me, explore through me. How could I give my mind so much of importance that I forgot to trust the bigger picture? Yet I gave no importance to the soul within me eagerly wanting to come to forefront.

It dawned to me very late in my life that I have been perfect in my own imperfect way. I am that unique, beautiful creature just like others around me.

Finally I am again taking chance upon myself.

I may not be how I picture myself in my mind’s eye but I am exactly that what I am supposed to be

This notion, this idea has been so liberating. I, somehow, don’t care what others my think of me, what other may expect of me. I am so much at ease.

Does that mean I don’t care for people in my life? I think I am much more caring and loving than ever now as there is no expectation from others. There is no need in me for them to like me or appreciate me. There is a new kind of detachment which allows me to do what I am supposed to in that moment and then leave it behind completely.

I may not be where I expected myself to be but I a mexactly where I was supposed to be. I am slowly getting ready to take steps to realise my dreams. It is never too late is also something I firmly believe in. I can do and be whoever I want to be irrespective of the age and gender of mine.

How did I reach here?

Frankly speaking I have no idea what exact steps I took to reach here.

  • One thing I know, I have been mindful about my mental chatter. Off lately my meditation is more of a working meditation through different kind of expressive works — journaling, painting, art therapy.
  • The voice of my soul has been loud enough, louder than the mental chatter for not letting me sit and compromise.
  • I spoke to my cousellor friend who gave me few tips to move past these blocks.
  • I started giving my soul lovely satisfying creative hours and slowly it started to grow in my being. The love has started to fill me up. It has been a wonderful process.
  • And sometimes taking it easy by not doing anything.

What about you?

  • Have you been downplaying yourself?
  • What are your dreams?
  • Do you have recurring idea of how you would like your life to be?
  • Have you been postponing taking action over wanting to be safe and comfortable?
  • Take very small little steps towards your goals/dreams

What can you do?

  • Confide in your loved ones.
  • Talk to an expert
  • Write down your dreams and goals
  • Be little more aware of where you avoid taking chance upon yourself?
  • What excuse do you give yourself when you do that?
  • Journal your feelings

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